I want to talk about listening. 

Not the type of listening where you fix your face in a portrait of attention while your brain checks off your day’s to-do list.

Nor the type of listening that’s just the blank space before you fire back the response zinger you thought of a minute and a half ago.

I want to talk about the hard damn work of listening. The listening that’s not about you or your feelings in that moment. I want to talk about the listening that has everything to do with the person speaking, and their feelings and experiences, because if you’ve decided that you disagree with how someone speaks, then how can you possibly listen to what they’re saying? 

I get it - sometimes the way we communicate is “off-putting.” 

If your toddler has asked for your attention again, and again while you’re on the phone and you’ve shooed them away, or “just-a-minute’d” them repeatedly, how will they finally get your attention? How will they be heard?

If your neighbor introduces herself as “Elizabeth” and you repeatedly address her as “Liz,” that becomes a silent conversation about disregard. You have not listened.

If you friend calls to tell you that her mom just died and she’s a whirlpool of emotion - crying, laughing and raging at the same time, will you tell her that you can’t listen until she can be calm? Would you, in the midst of her raw, profound grief, dictate how she is supposed to express that grief so that you are more comfortable?

Again, listening is hard damn work. It requires us to put aside our own ego, our own discomfort and our preconceptions on what other people should be doing, thinking, feeling and how they should act. 

It’s easier not to listen. To not hear. It’s so much more comfortable to sit in our removed judgement and say, “This doesn’t concern me.” or “I would never…”

But what if, and just go with me a moment here, what if you set aside, even for a moment, what you think you know, in order to hear what you don’t know. Listening has always been one of the most difficult and taxing human skills. 

To put a fine point on it: you can’t call yourself an empathetic person if you are unwilling to listen, especially during tough conversations. There’s no grey area on this.

So, unfix your face. There’s no zinger to be flown. 

Sit down, take a deep breath and really listen, and hear. You’ll be amazed at what the world wants to tell you.

LB Adams is the Founder of Practical Dramatics, headquartered in Charleston, SC.  Her company provides spectacular keynote talks and break out sessions that utilize theatre strategies to help humans grow more profitable conversations with other humans. Check out Practical Dramatics’ YouTube channel to see LB’s interviews with business leaders driving industry in her show, Snack-Sized Business.