There Are Only 2 Apologies
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Apologizing is a complex idea. If you’ve ever had to explain to a child why a “sorry” is appropriate and what it means, you understand what I’m talking about.
Some adults don’t fully grasp the concept.
In thinking about and distilling apologies, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two apologies:
I’m sorry that I have harmed you.
I’m sorry that you have been harmed.
The first apology is direct. We have a relationship and I have done something to you, even if that relationship is built only on the thing that I’ve done. Whether I’ve broken your headphones, talked smack behind your back, stolen your engagement ring, or caused an accident in which you were hurt, I am directly responsible for the harm to you or your stuff.
While an apology can’t change what’s happened, it does offer a balm for moving forward. Apologies change the path of the future, not the past.
Side note on a direct apology: Do it once and mean it. Don’t apologize multiple times because then it puts the weight of repeatedly providing forgiveness on the other person.
The second apology is indirect. It is empathetic. We feel with a person. We understand that a person is suffering in some way — dealing with having their headphones broken, being robbed, being in a car accident, or living with the death of a loved one. We’re sorry for the situation that person is in, even though we didn’t cause it and/or it has nothing to do with us personally.
This is where the best parts of our humanity reside. Relating to the lives of other people and allowing ourselves to share their discomfort, trauma and grief. This apology is a way for people to connect.
Apologies aren’t a correction that can undo the wrong we may have caused. Apologies aren’t atonement.
In every instance, a heartfelt apology is a connection, and that may make all the difference.
LB Adams is the Founder of Practical Dramatics, headquartered in Charleston, SC, providing interactive, theatre-based communication skills training. She is the author of The Irreverent Guide to Spectacular Communication, available in paperback, ebook and audiobook.