Self Leadership (Adulting) #2: 3 Reasons Why You Should Embrace Conflict
No discussion around self leadership would be complete without a conversation about the conversation no one wants to have – conflict. We all face it, many of us ignore it, (how’s that working for you?) and few of us are actually good at these tough, hand-wringing conversations. Here’s what you might not realize…conflict and disagreement are the only pathways to growth.
Even with your own self. The way we evolve is if we disagree with who we are in the present in order to be who we want to be in the future.
To be clear, I’m not talking about armed or violent conflict of any sort. I’m referring to the day-to-day disagreements, snags, friction points and frustrations of living in a diverse world with varieties of people. That includes the people we live/love with, like our partners and family members, and the people we work with.
Here are three reasons why you should put aside your angst around having a difficult conversation:
Consensus isn’t the goal - progress is. “I disagree” and/or “That’s not how I see it” are the vistas of differing points of view. If we all agreed all the time, where’s the impetus for change or innovation? Listening to and understanding what each unique voice brings to the conversation enables us to broaden our own perspective. We get to find the weak places in our organizations and relationships when a coworker or partner disagrees with what we’ve said or done. Then we get to do the work of making the thing better. We can’t make anything better if we don’t know the pain points.
2. Harmony isn’t real if it’s faked. If, for the past few weeks, you’ve suspected that Bob has been eating your snacks from the break room fridge, yet you say nothing, you’re allowing the behavior to continue, while you get progressively more aggravated. You might even start backchannel grumbling about Bob to other coworkers, but by not “ruffling feathers” you are tacitly agreeing with the offensive behavior. Pretending that everything is okay doesn’t solve the problem. It makes it worse over time. Keep in mind that what you allow, will continue to be. This is true for the smallest to the largest issues. You can politely and constructively tell someone that what they’re doing is hurtful, offensive, or dishonest, etc. You can advocate for yourself with grace.
3. You’ll find the truth below the surface. Often we’ll get upset with our partners for what seems like petty things. Maybe your spouse leaves their coffee cups all over the house. You’ve asked them repeatedly to put them in the dishwasher, but somehow, you’re the one doing it. It’s a small thing. But that small thing adds up over time and begins to feel like disrespect, or that you’re being treated like a servant, or worse, a parent. Why can’t they just pick up after themselves?! When you finally lose your temper after finding the 100th damn coffee cup in the laundry room, the conflict isn’t actually about coffee cups. It’s about mutual respect and the expectations of a partner. Understanding comes from listening and being truthful with your feelings. Change comes when all people want the best possible outcomes for everyone involved.
Conflict conversations don’t have to be as difficult as we build them up to be in our minds. Okay, you don’t want to “make waves” or “hurt anyone’s feelings,” but we do ourselves and them a disservice by not having the conversation. Waves aren’t a bad thing - they come and they go. You can be gentle and constructive when sharing your friction point with someone.
We can’t change other people. We can only change ourselves, we can ask for change from others with no guarantee of the outcome, or we can exit the situation entirely. Growth, self respect and resiliency come with meeting conflicts well and learning from them. That’s stellar adulting.
LB Adams is the CEO of Practical Dramatics, LLC, and communication strategies consultant. She is an award-winning speaker and author.