Do You Even Hear Yourself?

Recently I had an experience that rocked me back, and maybe you’ll recognize your own “foot-in-mouth” situation…

I was at the salon, chatting with my stylist of several years and she said, “I don’t know if I told you this before, but I’m six months pregnant.” She hadn’t told me before, and after heartfelt congratulations, I made some stumbling comment about how I had noticed that her smock had looked “blousier,” or some such nonsense. In hindsight, I should have kept my mouth shut and my observation to myself.

The appointment ended and I thanked her, paid, and scheduled my next appointment. About an hour later I received a text from her indicating that she was “…uncomfortable with my comment about her body…” and because of that, she was ending our relationship.

I was flabbergasted, and honestly, a little hurt. I consider myself an excellent communicator with great listening skills, and a good understanding of nonverbal cues.

And yet…

That day I let my mouth run away with my brain. I meant no harm or ill will, and I’m truly sorry that my bumbling comment made her feel uncomfortable. If I had paused even for a moment and considered what I was saying was potentially inappropriate or too familiar, I may have been able to walk back the damage, but I did not.

Unfortunately, we can’t know how someone will interpret what we say.

What we can do is be a bit more sensitive, more mindful of what we’re saying…or about to say. And then listen to people when they tell us that what we said was hurtful or offensive, or made them feel uncomfortable. It’s important to keep in mind that your perspective is not the only perspective and that people have wildly varying life experiences. I have a dear friend who is frustratingly fond of saying “…I don’t know about that…” when presented with someone else’s point of view. But here’s the thing, you don’t get to judge the validity of someone else’s point of view. It’s entirely subjective, entirely their own, and it’s inviolate.

And before I get off on a rant, there is a lot of anti-“woke” rhetoric out there and I want to cut that off before it breathes here - if you substitute the word “considerate” for “woke,” you begin to understand that you can be mindful of what you say, to whom, and in what way. It takes a bit of work and a little empathy.

I 100% wish my stylist had had a conversation with me and made me aware of her feelings rather than severing our relationship, AND nobody should have to deal with someone who makes them uncomfortable. All I can say is that had I known how she felt, I absolutely would have aplogized and been more conscientious of what I said moving forward. That’s really all any of us can do.

Yes, we have to do a little tip-toeing and learn to speak to each other in a more thoughtful way. If you’re a person who charges through your conversations like a bull in a verbal china shop, you might find discomfort in being mindful of your words. Recently, a note in my inbox from Seth’s Blog, reminded me of The Le Guin Precepts:

Is it true?

Is it necessary or at least useful?

Is it compassionate or at least unharmful?

Seem like an excellent place for us all to start.

LB Adams is the CEO of Practical Dramatics, LLC , a TedX speaker & emcee, author and communication strategies consultant.