Friendship-ing Is A Skill

When I was a young(er) woman, I had a difficult time making friends. I didn’t know what was expected of me and I was so painfully self conscious, I kept trying to be what I thought other people would want me to be. Without friendship role models, it’s a hard dynamic to maneuver - particularly in a chaotic and sometimes scary household.

When I moved away from home and started college in New York City, I began my friendship-making journey in earnest. As I was discovering who I was, I began to learn how to discover who other people were.

Now, in mid-life, I’ve found that I don’t have a single friend from my childhood or my high school years. Sure, social media has allowed me to “connect” with some of those people and involve myself voyeuristically in their lives. Periodically I wish them a “Happy Birthday” or “Congratulations” when appropriate, but outside of the algorithm reminders that it’s time to do those things, there aren’t any actual conversations.

I have a couple of friends from college that are “ride or die.” We were babies together and have grown up together over the years. We’ve kept connected and attached. I have one friend in particular from that time who is like air to me. It would be unimaginable for him not to be a presence in my life.

I also have the friends that I’ve made in the past 10+ years. Without exception, the last 10 or so years have been the best friend-making years of my life so far. It’s amazing how when you stop trying to be all the things to/for all the people, and are simply yourself, who and what comes your way.

These last years have been packed with a big geographic move, a giant career shift, and untold parental & marital stresses and celebrations. When we moved from New York to Charleston, South Carolina, we knew one person who lived 100 miles away and was planning to move to Charleston, but didn’t. We moved here basically not knowing a single person. My husband and I built our lives literally from the ground up.

Now, these years later, I am so fortunate to have the most brilliant, diverse, funny, strong, and supportive gaggle of girlfriends that anyone could ask for. Each one gives me something different. Each one is a unique perspective, with experiences vastly different from my own. Knowing them has helped me know the world, and to better know myself. What a gift they’ve given me.

It’s taken me a long time to learn how to make friends, and to be a good friend. I am a steward of my friendships. Because friendship is not static. It requires feeding and watering. It needs attention and specificity, and not just social media attention, but real presence. Outside of our spouses or partners, friends are really the only relationships where we get to specifically choose people, and be chosen.

I saw recently that The New York Times is running a “5-Day Friendship Challenge,” complete with friendship style quiz (I’m a firefly). I think it’s a terrific idea to remind ourselves of how much we need our friend relationships. Sometimes, without even realizing it, what you really need isn’t a glass of wine, a snack, or even a nap. It’s a little bit of conversation, a little bit of connection with someone who cares about you. It’s simply good medicine (video reminder).

LB Adams is the CEO of Practical Dramatics, LLC. She is a communication & public speaking coach, author and keynote speaker.