I’ve been wanting to write about “ghosting” for a while now. 

In case you’re unfamiliar with the idea, it’s when a person in your life, suddenly drops out of your life, without warning or notice.

With the exception of an abusive relationship where it’s incumbent on a person to get out, perhaps in secret, ghosting is not an appropriate communication response. 

Let me step back for a moment…

If we’re online acquaintances and I can’t stand even one more post about your spicy tuna noodle casserole recipes, I may block, mute or unfriend you. This isn’t ghosting.

In order to ghost someone, you have to be in an actual relationship of some sort, not just cyber satellites.

Years ago, while living in Manhattan, a good friend of mine stood me up for a planned night out. When I repeatedly tried to call her, it went to voicemail. My call wasn’t returned. My texts weren’t returned. I started to become afraid that something terrible had happened to her. By the next day I was beside myself with panic and worry and so I went to her apartment. 

FYI, and as an aside, New Yorker’s don’t do unplanned visits.

I rang her intercom and when she answered, I let her know who it was. After a long pause she responded with, “Can’t you get the hint?” 

It was devastating. I had absolutely no idea why she was ending our three-year long friendship. She had never once communicated to me that I had hurt or offended her in any way. I was left in an incredulous void of unknowing. 

A couple of weeks ago, my husband, a manager for a wildlife removal company, was in the process of hiring an assistant. He interviewed three candidates and chose to move forward with a guy, we’ll call Bob, who had some experience, was eager to learn and seemed ambitious. They came to an agreement about money, starting date and benefits. My husband gathered all of Bob’s information, including a copy of his driver’s license and Social Security card. They agreed to confirm over the weekend where they were going to meet on Monday morning to begin training. 

Saturday morning, my husband texted Bob. Hours later he hadn’t received a response. He texted Bob again. And again. Then he tried calling him, but it went to voicemail. He tried him on Sunday and then again on Monday. No sign of Bob was heard from again. 

I understand that people think ghosting is the easy way out. You don’t want to do the hard work of telling someone something you believe they won’t want to hear. I get it. Not saying anything is easy.

It’s not right though. 

Buck up and have the tough conversation. It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out or wildly dramatic.

As a human being, in whatever relationship we’re in, we’re owed the consideration of a conversation, even a brief one. Even a conversation that begins and ends with “This doesn’t work for me and there’s no resolving it.”

Is that a suck conversation? You betcha. Will it hurt a little? Probably. But it will hurt a hell of a lot less than nothing. 

Not ghosting someone honors your own humanity. Because you breathe and are worthy of consideration, and so are they.

LB Adams is the Founder of Practical Dramatics, headquartered in Charleston, SC, providing interactive, theatre-based communication skills training.  She is the author of The Irreverent Guide to Spectacular Communication, available in paperback, ebook and audiobook.