As a child and young adult in my parent’s household, I learned that the thoughts and opinions of anyone under 20 years of age, weren’t all that welcome. Heck, even after age 30, they weren’t all that welcome. My parents were old school and very much thought children should be seen only sometimes, and heard almost never. Once I got to college and began the long and still-ongoing process of becoming a fully formed, thoughtful and curious adult, I found I had a voice.

A unique voice, with something to say.

Well, actually, a lot to say. And so I began to talk…

Maybe you can see where I’m going here…

I boomeranged. I went from believing I had nothing of value to say or contribute, to telling everyone everything, all the time. My friends - let me tell you what you should do! Perfect strangers in the coffee shop - let me pontificate on the merits of a particular book. My family - let me educate you as to why all your political beliefs are incorrect (I stand by this one).

Learning when to speak and when to be quiet is a skill that’s taken me years to understand and put into practice. Because, when to speak isn’t a function of timing, it’s a function of listening, and most of us adults still don’t do it all that well.

Active, engaged Listening. Hearing not only the words that someone speaks, but with what passion or hesitation or joy or anger. I’ve learned to listen to the whole person - are they making eye contact? Do they look or seem upset, even though they’re “fine?” What is their body language telling me?

I’ve learned that most people don’t want you to educate them. They don’t necessarily want you to share your story because it’s slightly similar and might be a little relevant. They don’t want you to solve their problems. What they want is to be heard.

What a gift it is for someone when you can put your thoughts about them, their situation, and your solutions, on the back burner, and simply connect and be present with them. This is next level adulting. This is self leadership. Understanding that what is required of you in the moment isn’t words, but being attuned to the specific need of another human to have someone exhale with them. That is as near perfect as we get.

You can even set the table by asking them what they want - to rant and vent, or to spitball ideas and solutions to their problem. Then give them that.

As someone who was ready to share her opinion without the slightest provocation, I can confidently tell you that if you’re not really listening, you can’t possibly know when is the right time to speak.

Here’s a hard reality… Sometimes what we have to say doesn’t really contribute to the conversation. We speak without thinking, when we need to listen. Where is the value in that? I’ve written before about the Le Guin Precepts and they are a great stop gap between my brain and my mouth. Is what I’m about to say:

True?

Necessary or at least useful?

Compassionate or at least not harmful?

No one is perfect. We all say stupid, useless and sometimes harmful things. The world is full of shouting voices. What might the world be if the adults stopped shouting and started listening?

LB Adams is the CEO of Practical Dramatics, LLC, and communication strategies consultant. She is an award-winning speaker and author.